Embracing The Mess Within
Embracing my giant colossal mess is all 2020 has been about.
From goals, ambitions, directions, plans, failures, setbacks, heartbreaks, and uncertainty to acceptance, vulnerability, fortitude, strength, tears, inconsolable giant bucket and tubs full of tears, a rare and open breeding ground of my humanity, empathy, and lack of visibility- this year has been all about the giant colossal mess of a human being that I am.
Rare in its nature, isolating, astute and trite, bitter, sordid, angry, a giant ball of energy, the uncertainty of the human mind that I have, from the colorless odorless bland days of dark clouds hovering right above my head, a window that is a portal to the other world.
I have found in me a child, a still very young child, a still very stubborn child, a still very emotional child, a still very empty feeling child, a still very dreamy-eyed child, a very gusto-filled child, a still very solitude loving child.
I have discovered love, so much love that it has become a force driving my energy. The center of my being has been rattled by this force of energy that exists inside me.
There is a wonder woman inside me and then there is a child inside me. There is a man inside me and then there is a mother inside me.
I have awakened to my very vast soul that has felt so shallow and so small. I have discovered a terse attitude of my nature that is nothing that any expectations can ever find fulfilling to receive.
There has been a sudden gush of truth, overflowing, flooding, filling all the corners and the spacelessness in all the spaces within and outside me.
My abundance has started feeling small and my shallowness has started feeling large.
In the faces that once were where I recognized friendships, connections, love, and belonging, I have discovered an aloofness, a kind of separation of the being from all beings that constituted the parts of me that were once my own.
The places of my giving have been overtaken by redundancies. Redundancies of my capacity of giving, redundancies of my capacities of accepting, redundancies of my ability to put one, someone, anyone above myself.
I have a new found love for some verses that speak to my soul
